Why 10th Grade the best year of High School (so far)

Wednesday, June 22, 2016

As of now I have finished all my regents for school, and I am officially on summer break for the next 3 months. I've looked back on the school year, and have been very happy with myself. This year has been much better than freshman year for countless reasons.

1. Curriculum and Grades
Firstly, my grades were AMAZING (by my standards), and I was really proud of myself. I had 90 overall average the whole year, and I wasn't even that good at all the subjects. I was pretty mediocre at chemistry, but when I took the regents I didn't completely brain fart during the test. I passed with decent grades on my Global and Geometry grades, and I also took my first AP class this year. 

2. Extra Curricular Activities
Second, I joined many different clubs and met new people. I was never really outgoing and kind of an introvert, but I joined a class club and did different events, such as a basketball fundraiser and a senior citizen lunch-in. These activities were really fun and I probably wouldn't have done any of that if not for trying to be more sociable than usual. Another club I joined was National Honor Society, which I'm very excited about. It feels very accomplishing to work hard and get rewarded for it. I also made onto the varsity team for volleyball in the fall, and even though it wasn't a completely successful season, I still feel good for making it on the team.

3. Finding Myself
Third, I really developed serious self-love for myself. I've always had a hard time with accepting myself (mostly for physical appearance), and it's always tied into my race and skin. Of course beauty standards emphasize not only fair skin european features are the norm, but it's also had anti-blackness in it. Now, I've really accepted my blackness and see it as beautiful. I don't feel any pressure from society necessarily to look like what they put out as beautiful. (Of course there's always people who aren't black trying to steal black natural features, but that's another conversation topic). An from me accepting myself on the outside it helps me accept myself as well on the inside. I've never been too insecure about my body, because I'm skinny and that's not exactly something you get judged or looked down upon for. But now since I'm okay with my appearance it helps me to be less self conscious about everything else. I learned to love myself and that's what matters. Of course there's moments where I feel insecure, I know everyone isn't totally 100% confident in themselves all the time, so I know those feelings are okay.

4. Mediocre Freshman Year
Lastly, 10th grade was the best, just mostly because freshman year sucked in comparison. In freshman year I did not have good grades at all, I was more introverted than I was now, and had way less confidence than I do now. Freshman year wasn't very difficult, but I guess I didn't think my first year of high school would be so boring and uneventful. I barely did much of anything that year, and compared to this year, I most definitely like sophomore year better

Hopefully junior year will be more exciting than this year. I'm taking two AP classes and am going to try to apply to my dream school ,NYU. For now over the summer, I'm going to chill, and am actualy going on a Europe trip in July, which I know will be fun. To more great high school years, since this time is supposed to be the greatest of your life.

Am I Ugly?

Sunday, June 5, 2016

Am I Ugly? And many other questions. (very personal)
Am I Ugly? Am I considered ugly? Do people think I’m ugly when they first meet me? Am I ugly on the inside too? Why do I think of myself like this?
It is normal to feel insecure about yourself and fall into a place of self doubt about oneself. I always get into a mood where I consistently feel bad for/about myself. It would be a reach to call this a existential crisis, because it only lasts for a day or 2. But it makes me feel unconfident and self concious about me.

Am I considered Ugly?
There has always been an underlying beauty standard in society. An already decided mindset and mold that you have to fit into to be accepted. Especially for women, standards have been created, and have yet to be demolished.

Things I pinpoint to myself that I think make me ugly are mostly my facial features. I think my eyes are ugly because the color is so dark and my eyeballs are sun marked and have dark spots in them, my eyelashes and eyebrows are thin and short. My upper lip is way bigger and more swollen appearing than my bottom one, making them look unproportional. My skin is oily and flakes excessively, making my skin bumpy, it also has dark spots that never seem to leave.
Do these things make me ugly? I can never look over these things about myself when I think about everything wrong on my face. When you search the word ‘ugly’ in google, its definition is ‘unpleasant or repulsive, especially in appearance’. I try to think if these features on my body make it so I can be socially accepted as pretty.
Do people think I’m ugly when they first meet me?
What do people think when they first see me? Do they think I’m unattractive, or not good looking? First impressions are always important, but at the same time they always say ‘Never Judge A Book By Its Cover’.
Can someone really dislike you because you are unnatractive to them? Do people actually do that, refuse to befriend you because they think you are unappealing? Is this why I don’t get as many Instagram likes as other girls I know? Is it true you see yourself 5 times prettier than you actually are?



Am I ugly on the inside too?
No one is perfect, or morally good all the time. But up until a year ago, I realized I wanted to change myself from who I was because I was unhappy with myself. I had a nagging ignorance to who I really was. I wouldn’t go far as saying that I had self hatred in myself, but I always tried to mask my true identity, my blackness and my girlhood. I would deny my blackness and deflect questions about it, and I would also call other girls incriminating names that I would never do today.
Have I really fully changed? I try my best to better myself in as many ways possible, but how much progress have I really made? Is there anymore self reflecting I can do to change myself? Does uglieness on the inside correspond to the outside, or is it conditional, or does it not correspond at all? Have I not made enough of an effort to better myself?
Why do I think of myself like this?
I’ve been insecure about myself from a young age, and I always wanted to know how to get rid of my self-consciousness, but I never asked why it was there.
Who taught me to think this way, and what were they trying to accomplish? Is this just something that comes up when I try to take a selfie, or something much more deep rooted? Is it because I compare myself to others too much?Do I have to accept this ‘ugliness’?


Conclusion

I’ve decided that it is not a feeling inside myself that just comes and goes. For me, feeling ugly had been an underlying part of some part of my life. When you look at many beauty standards it’s always, long straight hair, fair skin, perfect symmetric features, unblemished faces and bodies, along with talent and charismatic ability.
But, now I have learned to accept myself. Beauty (please excuse the massive cheesy line about to be written) is not just about what’s on the outside, it also matters what’s on the inside too. Ugliness can’t be rated on a scale from 1 to 10, because there is no definite degree of being unnatractive, it’s all in your head. It only matters what you think of yourself and how you treat yourself and others, not what qualities you have or how people would see you. Golden Rule: treat others how you would like to be treated. I’ve been trying to do this, and it’s really made me feel good about myself, inside and out.


Learning to love yourself is a hard process, and obviously, I oftenly doubt myself and put myself down. But before you can expect other people to think you’re beautiful, it is important to think of yourself as beautiful. I always try to remind myself that other people’s opinions really don’t matter, because no one’s happiness is as important as your own (no matter how selfish that sounds), so make sure to take care of yourself. Nonetheless, it is not good to try to please someone else by comprimising your own happiness, so don’t let anyone get in the way of your self-loving. 💕

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